I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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