No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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