sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
