Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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