We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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