You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
