I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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