nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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