Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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