On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
