Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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