I think my vagina is haunted
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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