Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
