So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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