listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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