btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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