there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
where are you?
Hypothermia
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
