dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
