So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
