Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
