i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
