pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
