Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize