I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I have tasted many bathrooms
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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