I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Hippo gnu deer
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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