I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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