i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
