im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
