I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
