woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize