it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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