I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
