Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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