based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
