Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
