i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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