btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
