cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
