I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
