I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
