You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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