Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
The police scanner is talking about you again....
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
