I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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