Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
