no, he came in my armpit
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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