Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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