he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize