I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
