A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
