someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
