What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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