I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
