I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I will be naked everywhere
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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