I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
