sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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